We convince by our presence

If everyday you acknowledged the fact that the only thing inevitable in life is death would you still love?

With life we know there is death but what if the time bomb was ticking in your ear and death were staring you directly in the eyes? Could you still love wholely, without any reservation?

For six months of my life this was my every day experience. Every night leaving my sister's house wondering if she would still be with us come morning. This was the most challenging and rewarding experience in my life as of this point. Through being with my sister and taking care of her I will never be able to look at life the same.

My sister, the angel, the savior for everyone in my family gave of herself her entire life and in a turn of fate needed my help. More than help she needed love, lots of love, despite the end being so near. Also, people to support her when she was determined to fight regardless of what the doctors had to say. Someone to comfort her, laugh with her, and some days cry with her. I, at 25 years old, got to be that for my sister. Through this experience you can gaurantee I've learned the true meaning of unconditional love, and the gift of living each day as though it is the last.

My sister, the strongest woman I've ever known, fought day in and day out for her life for 6 years. In her last 5 years there was only two times it even crossed my mind that I may lose her until the last 6 months of her life. In the last 3 months I saw her lose her independence, most of her eyesight, most of her short term memory, and become more child like everyday.

Gail Wilmore will forever be a woman that will live in my heart for the gift she gave me to choose being there for my sister. To love, laugh, and live each moment, unconditionally despite knowing the end was coming. You see she gave me the knowledge to choose it all. Know that the heartache would come regardless and I may as well make it worth it. I guess if your heart is going to break you better make it a good one.

At this point I know you may think, how could someone stop loving someone at this point? The thing is, I would have never stopped loving her just pulled away from the situation. When faced with heartache, especially when you see it coming, it is easy to detach yourself. I witnessed many do it. Slowly pull away so when the end comes it is easier to deal with. The pain may seem more bearable. I don't hold it against them. I consider myself blessed to have made a choice that has made all the difference.

If I had walked away then I would not have experienced loving and being loved at the the level I now know. You see, I was able to share her strength, weakness, fears, and really living each moment with her because I never knew if it would be the last "I Love You" I ever heard, or had a chance to say. As hard as it has been dealing with my sister's passing, I know everyday without a doubt, she knew how much I loved her. Not only because I told her every chance I got, but I also showed her. One of my favorite quotes is "We convince by our presence". This could not be more true.

To the ones in your life, don't just tell them who they are and what they mean to you, show them. We truly do convince by our presence with every selfless act of love. Life is very short, never let the day or moment pass you by. Say I love you. Say it often. And mean it from the depths of your heart. Love hurts, but is totally worth the ride.

The Fear of Falling

In life everyone is faced with their own demons. The things that hold them back in, frozen to move forward.

Tonight, on a whim I decided to go ice skating. I hate conventional workouts, go to the gym, run, walk, hit the weights, etc. After a week of working and sitting at the computer I decided it is time for me to get out of the house and get some exercise. With every long sleeve shirt I own, a heavy coat and ipod in hand I headed to the ice rink for a little fun. Upon lacing up and tuning in some Mary J Blige I stepped onto the ice.

It has been an entire year since I stepped foot on the ice and even then I only went a couple times last year. About 15 minutes into skating poorly in a huge circle I couldn't figure out why I was having such a hard time skating. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Kristina Yamagucci, and a triple lutz is never going to happen but I can hold my own on the ice. Here I was bored and struggling, then it hit me. I was playing it safe.

I have always been one to take risks and let it all hang out just to feel the reward of accomplishing something new and I was being a putz. It was at this very moment I decided playing it safe was boring. The last hour of my skating experience was fun, refreshing and rewarding as I found my rhythm on the ice once again. Before I knew it I was skating forward, backwards, turns, etc.

The funny thing about this experience is, I gave up my fear of falling but didn't even realize what was holding me back until I was stepping off the ice for a moment. As I came to the side there was a family, mother, father and child near the rink entrance. The mother made the comment "She's better than us at this" and before I even thought the words fell out of my mouth, Of course, she's not afraid to fall. Aha!

This experience wasn't about the skating it was acknowledging my fear and doing it anyways. I always have high expectations for myself and more times than I'd like to admit don't pursue what I really want because I am afraid I will fall short of my expectations.

So, don't let fear of falling or falling short stop you from trying. "I would rather attempt and fail than to never try at all."

Dance in the Rain

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." ~Unknown~
What does it mean to dance in the rain? Should you literally dance in the rain to experience life or is this just another metaphorical meaning to life. If so, what is the concept of this metaphor? Most people claim they love dancing in the rain, yet never on a rainy day have I witnessed people outside their homes dancing. From the first time I read this quote I was in love, yet truly understood the meaning. Maybe the mystery or yearning to dance in the rain in my own life. I, as of recently have been enlightened to what it means to dance in the rain.Suddenly I see the meaning of "dancing in the rain." Life throws us many twist and turns that we have little control over. Dancing in the rain may be finding the beauty in a bad situation, overcoming obstacles, finding peace or even standing with whatever it is that binds us. This reminds me of an article I once read, where a woman was just three days from marrying the love of her life when life threw her a curveball. Everything for the wedding was in place except the groom, whom she found out was, and had been cheating on her for some time. Some would have went into a ballistic rage or even depression, but she "danced in the rain." The wedding went forth (without the groom of course), money and gifts were donated to charity. She was courageous and by empowering herself, she empowered those around her.Life is learning, growing and overcoming obstacles. Things happen, life happens and although we may not be able to control what happens, we can always control our reaction. In our reaction is where we find power, so may you always "dance in the rain."

Lost you

Like we never lost anyone in time,
Like we never had to say good-bye,
With the words that left us wanting more,
You walked out and I walked through the open door,
You held my heart,I was weak at the knees,
Looking in my eyes screaming you hate me,
Did you even notice your words of anger are killing me,
In and out,Together apart always
In your arms is where my heart breaks
Push me down I can't walk away
Lies, pain, hurt, deceit there are no rules to this game we play.
All the while I'm your little secret closing me off from the world,
I could not see you hiding me behind those thick closed doors
Walking in tip toe quietly,
Making sure not to wake you from your sleep
You stood full of anger fist clenched at me
If only I could leave...but my heart won't let me
All the lines, all the things you say
In games someone always seems to lose And I hate feeling this way
The one time I know you were telling the truth
Was the time you said I was too good for you
While my mind seems to know the truth
My feet frozen, cause my heart won't choose
Little does my heart know, I've already lost you

Listen from nothing, hear everything

"How passionately we love everything that cannot last"
How is it that when we first experience anything, friendship, relationship, etc. it's so exciting, intriguing, fun? We are so passionate about learning, making memories, sharing the joy, and somewhere along the way we lose interest. Especially in relationships I think the love never dies, instead it's the passion and way we listen to each other. At the beginning, you are learning about that person, evaluating their every move. We immediately start to form an opinion, a "listening". In fact, we are so good that we can finish their sentence and we call this "love". Yes, we know them so well we are as "one". In that state of "one", what we do not realize is we just took away their right to grow. By this point we are no longer listening to what they are saying, but listening to what we think they will say... and even worse, hearing only what we think they should say. After all, we know them best right? Wrong!
At this point, we took away their freedom. Oh you thief! The sad thing is we don't even realize we have done so. After awhile we evaluate the relationship and wonder why there is no passion and we are left feeling...bored! So we move on and find someone else to fulfill all the things that we "lost" in the last friendship or relationship. At this rate we will spend the rest of our lives searching for the excitement that somehow died in the last relationship. We justify and seek agreement from everyone around us, and justify our own decisions with or without it. Is this sounding familiar at all?
Through an early morning conversation with my good friend Jade I let her in on my question of the day and her answer stunned me, "If only we could see that nothing will last, it's all limited." I sat silent. I had never thought of it like that. As she elaborated it became very clear "Yeah...we passionately love the people that are quickly in and out, and overlook the others, even though our time is limited with them as well."
So, the ones we know well, we think will be around always, and seem to lose passion, excitement for them. We listen as though we already know what they are going to say, and love just as we loved days, months, years ago. We don't allow love to continue to grow, build strength, or create even more passion because we live in yesterday.
If we just let go of our expectations and really listened from nothing, be prepared to be amazed!
"Listen from nothing, hear everything" ~Lace~

Innocence's Flight

It's better things that have said to be said
More experimental circumstances weigh out in your head
If only to escape the memories you bred
The demons would die in the darkness; your bed
The lies you gave for a hope of tomorrow
The demise of life in sunlit sorrows
Adverse effects of bargained truth
Ticking time ticks from borrowed youth
Darkest before dawn in your moment of clarity
Innocence's flight, broken in your frailty

To love and be loved

What makes us run? What makes us stay? The thoughts tumbling in mind for two days now. Two whole days of pining over mistakes made. Times I stayed but should have walked away. Moments I walked away but should have stayed.

As I sit and try to wrap my mind around my thoughts and emotions, I'm anxious in the moment. The thoughts alone have their own home in my mind. I try my best to pour the angst of my heart onto a piece of paper. Yet, the page remains blank. Maybe it is my heart that is frozen in fear?

As I sit and ponder all my motives and reasons it occurs to me, I'm not being honest with myself. Just recently I read a short story that talks about becoming a slave to your mistakes. This definitely hit home with me and reading it was no mistake.

I realize, I attempt to let people into my heart that could care less because I know I will be able to love them and they will not ask too many questions. This creates a vicious cycle...me believing I'm guarding my heart when all I'm doing is giving it with no reciprocation. They say that the greatest gift is to love and allow others to love you in return. I say, easier said than done. To allow someone to love you, you must give up looking good and the fear of judgement. This is a big one for me. I am such a slave to my mistakes I let them ruin my future. I guess I feel no one else in this world has made mistakes therefore, they will reject me if they know I'm human. Weird concept but this is how it plays out in my head. In order for me to truly love someone and be loved I am going to have to give this one up...this is not going to be easy.