What makes us run? What makes us stay? The thoughts tumbling in mind for two days now. Two whole days of pining over mistakes made. Times I stayed but should have walked away. Moments I walked away but should have stayed.
As I sit and try to wrap my mind around my thoughts and emotions, I'm anxious in the moment. The thoughts alone have their own home in my mind. I try my best to pour the angst of my heart onto a piece of paper. Yet, the page remains blank. Maybe it is my heart that is frozen in fear?
As I sit and ponder all my motives and reasons it occurs to me, I'm not being honest with myself. Just recently I read a short story that talks about becoming a slave to your mistakes. This definitely hit home with me and reading it was no mistake.
I realize, I attempt to let people into my heart that could care less because I know I will be able to love them and they will not ask too many questions. This creates a vicious cycle...me believing I'm guarding my heart when all I'm doing is giving it with no reciprocation. They say that the greatest gift is to love and allow others to love you in return. I say, easier said than done. To allow someone to love you, you must give up looking good and the fear of judgement. This is a big one for me. I am such a slave to my mistakes I let them ruin my future. I guess I feel no one else in this world has made mistakes therefore, they will reject me if they know I'm human. Weird concept but this is how it plays out in my head. In order for me to truly love someone and be loved I am going to have to give this one up...this is not going to be easy.
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